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I Asked My ED Therapist If She Has Ever Been Fat Before

I started my weight loss journey at 19 years old. 284.4 pounds.

My Story vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

I just kept getting bigger and bigger. Weight loss was always a goal of mine, but I never attempted any crash diets. When I was a kid, my mom took me to a nutritionist for a while, but life got in the way. When I was in high school, I went to a doctor who gave me weight loss pills (probably something like Adderall). I didn’t take those for long, and never made any other lifestyle changes. Those were my only 2 prior attempts.

I always knew weight loss surgery wouldn’t be an option for me. I’d need that money for excess skin removal surgery. I knew a calorie deficit was the only way, but I guess I ignored it.

Finally, I discovered exercise and a show called Supersize vs Superskinny.

My weight loss journey began at the very end of the year, 2018. I started going to the gym with my aunt, and counting calories on the Fitbit app. At the time, I was only focused on reaching a goal of 1,500 calories a day.

Cut to 2020. Still counting calories. Macros, nutrients, and fitness goals are totally unmeasured. Progress is slow, but steady. Since the beginning, I might have taken a summer and some weekends off, but otherwise, my work isn’t done.

Then… No longer do I have to go to work 5 days a week. I’m stuck in a house with a couple of roommates, one of which is more than happy to workout with me. Quarantine gave me the free time to go outside and walk for hours around Baton Rouge. After that, long walks became a staple in my life.

After a while, I start to look different… I move in with my aunt who is very overweight, and doesn’t like it when I go out at night to take my 7 mile walks. I hate being in that house for lots of reasons, and I think my aunt resents me for losing weight. It’s like she wants me to be fat. I’m not done, though. Still counting calories. Still taking walks. But my aunt is driving me insane…

I move out. I have a couple of roommates, but we don’t bother each other. I get bored of Supersize vs Superskinny and start doing research.


I became obsessed. And paranoid. And self destructive. Granted, there were many other stressers in my life at the time.

It was time for some serious help. I’d reached my lowest weight by intermittent fasting and consistently accomplishing an unhealthy deficit. For a while, I cut out meat (because too much gives you cancer, or something). And it was absolutely impossible for me to go to the store without first getting stoned out of my mind. The amount of choices I had to make at the store was overwhelming. Not to mention…

Everyone wanted me to be fat.

The people standing around the grocery store isles. My coworkers. My aunt. Even my close family and friends were beginning to worry about me… Telling me I didn’t need to lose anymore weight…

AT MY LOWEST, I GOT HELP. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

I started seeing a therapist who specialized in eating disorders.

I’d never been anorexic before. I still don’t know if I should call myself a binge eater or an emotional eater.

I see her as much as I can afford at the beginning. About once a week.

Mostly I sit there and cry about my adverse childhood, or the boy who’s giving me a hard time.

I want to change the subject, though. So I say,

“Have you ever been fat before?”

She looks up and thinks about it. And says,

“I don’t think anyone has ever asked me that before.”

I can’t believe it. Of course, I’d never met someone who has lost half their body weight before. But she’s supposed to understand me…

TOMORROW, vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

I’ll see her again. I haven’t seen her in a while. She’s expensive. She’s never been fat before. I don’t know why I’m going to see her in the first place.

Tomorrow, I planned on telling her my goals.

I spent months asking myself, “What am I trying to get out of this?”

But, to be honest, I still don’t know. I have a google dox filled with bullet points. I would think of something I’d want to tell her (usually while I was riding my bike), then write it down. None of the bullet points are measurable goals.

I just want support, I guess…

Today (during my bike ride), I decided to change the subject.

We’re not going to talk about my goals, tomorrow.

We’re going to talk about why I hate therapy. Because I know when she says, “You should love yourself.” She wants me to love who I am now… Not who I know I’m going to become.

That’s why I need her. The future is blinding. So blinding, sometimes it’s hard for me to see the light within.

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv I didn’t edit that, at all. lol

I just wanted to share my weight loss story.

-Sorry for it being so long. -And probably full of misteaks.

Y’all are the best. You let people know they’re not alone. <3

Thank you for reading, if you did. lol

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