Hello everyone! Today I’ll be using a throwaway because my boyfriend is my weightloss buddy and he’ll be gutted if he found out that’s what I feel.
TL;DR: Dude, where’s my non-scale victory?!
Recently I, 27 F, have lost some weight, from 266 to 224, 42 pounds. I remember at the start in order to keep my motivation up I kept reading stories and looking at pics of women with similar weight and height, and feeling incredibly inspired and excited.
I quickly discovered I don’t really relate to people in this community, weight loss isn’t particularly hard for me, I do my workouts and follow my food plans without issues, it’s not pleasant but not horrible either, I have had a few celebratory planned cheat days but other than that haven’t felt particularly challenged, and haven’t slipped and cheated on my diet.
On paper, and to other people, I am doing an impressive job, everyone is blown away by my success, as they tell me. I don’t care about the numbers though, I started doing this in order to feel…better, and I don’t feel better. I feel bitter. Working out has not made me feel stronger, I didn’t have any health conditions to improve upon, I know I was likely to develop them but I hadn’t yet, the only thing that has changed is my self image.
I used to be okay with myself, but this weight loss has changed the only things I was truly confident about – my boobs and my hair. Yesterday I took my first “after” pic because I realized I was wearing the same underwear and my body…looks the same, except ofc my nipples now point to the ground, and my butt is saggier, so the overall effect is my figure has shifted in a manner where my stomach is my most prominent feature, and my arms are already developing some rippling and loose skin, hands down the worst after photo development I was able to find, though to be fair you usually don’t see the full picture in other people’s posts so I can’t know for sure. Not only do I not look better, I look far worse. I can’t help but feel like I have lost my ability to relax and enjoy food without thinking about macros and calories, and in return I got to feel worse about myself, and what’s worse – there’s no turning back, no way to get back to the fragile confidence I had before, AND I feel so vain and stupid for thinking this is so important.